Same but different

On Saturday, I walked down the aisle for the first time. Even though I was a first-time bride, having been married by common-law for 4 years (regardless of legal recognition), the specialness of the moment felt diminished. The excitement that I'd always hoped to have on my wedding day just wasn't there. My in-laws were thrilled that we finally got married, but my husband and I felt less enthusiastic - as if we were just going through the motions to please everyone else but ourselves. This morning, my husband commented that it (our wedding day) was just another day, just something that needed to be done. He's already been married once before and that union was a disaster; his mind has been jaded by that first experience.

To a small extent there was some specialness in the occasion and I'll still chronicle the event through keepsakes and pictures as most other brides would do, but life goes on as usual with plenty of errands to be taken care of along with our regular weekly schedule. That this moment has come and gone so quietly bothers me. There are times when I wonder if we've done the right thing...even after we've said our vows. We do get along well and work well as a team, but I've noticed that since my husband has been on the road, our differences have become more telling. I find myself more annoyed by his habits and his devil-may-care attitude when out in public. I'm also more anxious when he comes home; I'm more comfortable with my role in our relationship when I'm on my own and in charge of the household. At every home visit, our schedule is completely turned upside down and life feels more disrupted. Perhaps this stems from being single for so long. I'm accustomed to calling the shots and being completely in charge, but in marriage, responsibilities must be shared. Although we've been together for 4 years, I was as single as one could be before I met him; I was 35 years old when we met - a long time to be alone and independent. It becomes easy to get set in your ways in that length of time. Additionally, he lacks the social graces that would make me more comfortable while in his company; however, despite his faults, he is a good man, attentive husband, and loving father, and I try to see beyond what's on the surface and forgive him his shortcomings. Yet, I can't help feeling that the longer he's on the road, the more distant we'll become in our relationship. Like the military, the trucking industry has a very high divorce rate and I can see why just from what I'm experiencing...I'm concerned that our relationship will resemble that of good friends who happen to be married than a true couple who are connected in every way. Only God knows how this will play out.